So I found this old photograph of my lola with a note at the back
She smile out of her sorrow.
Four year ago today, I woke up to a life changing text message from my mom.
“Nak, na stroke si mama be. Please pray…”
I’m not sure if you ever experience waking up to a text message like that but let me tell you, it’s a feeling I don’t want any of you to experience.
10 mins of being down to my knees praying later, I received another a message.
“Nak, coma si mama be”
and yet another one
“Ga, tinext ka ni mommy mo?
Pa book ka ticket uwi tayo”
Ma. Aurora is our aunt. She is Mama Baby or Mama Be to my cousins and I. She was my room mate ever since I stopped sleeping in my parents’ room when I was in Grade 2 until I left home for college. She was a single lady all her life, so my cousins and I took the role of being her spoiled kids.
March 29, 2012
I remember pleading for healing.
I remember asking for His will to be done.
I remember myself asking, Has she accepted Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior.
I remember reminiscing about that time where my voice was shaking as I share the gospel at church and there she was in the crowd trying to hold back tears.
I remember the peace of knowing there is eternal life waiting for her, If this is it. If her time’s up.
I remember dragging Jenny and Nado with me to look for an Air Philippines office to print out my itinerary receipt.
I remember going to church with puffy eyes.
I remember being asked why I have puffy eyes.
I remember the things I did to keep my mind off mama baby being in a coma state.
I remember the fear of spending the night alone.
I remember pulling an all nighter video editing at church for youth camp which is scheduled to happen in two days.
I remember sleeping at Ate Jam’s classroom that night with Ate Glazy, Rochelle, Ting-Ting, Jang-Jang and Barkadits Van-Van.
March 30, 2012
I remember having to walk from church to the dorm at 4 am.
I remember grabbing breakfast with Ate at the airport.
I remember Ate Aysel explaining Mama Be’s case to me.
I remember hearing medical terms. Aneurysm & Cardiomegaly. I know those words, I studied them but I never realize their meaning is as simple as this: a lost cause. There was nothing we can do.
I remember not sleeping the whole flight home.
I remember holding lola’s hand on the way to the hospital.
I remember entering the ICU.
I remember the tubes and machines hooked to her.
I remember crying on her side.
I remember the nurse giving me the “why are you crying, she’s not yet dead look”
I remember asking the nurse about Mama Be’s urine output to break the awkwardness. When she said “Yes, that all her fluid output” I just nod because we both knew, this is it. It’s just a matter of time.
I remember then laying down on a hospital bed that night. Thinking “Oh no! I’ve been awake for 36 hrs already”
I remember not sleep that night.
March 31, 2012
I remember being awake.
I remember going inside the ICU to start the day.
I remember Mama Nette’s arrival.
I remember having to wait.
I remember Pastor Lisa praying with us.
I remember hearing them decide for DNR, Do Not Resuscitate.
I remember the whole family gathered on her bedside.
I remember holding her hand.
I remember how quick I let go because the machine sounded off which only meant one thing : Flat line. Finish line. The end.
I remember them turning off the machine.
I remember having to usher lola back to the watcher’s room.
I remember crying.
I remember the pain.
I remember being awake for another 24 hrs at St. Peter’s.
April 1, 2012
I remember going home.
I remember going home but it’s not the same anymore.
March 29, 2016
Four years, I think that’s more than enough time to heal, to move on, to go on with life. And I have. I’m healed, I have moved on and go on with life.
But there are still days where I long for Mama Be’s home cooked meals and nights where I cry myself to sleep because I miss her.