Ang Isang Malungkot na Araw

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Four year ago today, I woke up to a life changing text message from my mom.

“Nak, na stroke si mama be. Please pray…”

I’m not sure if you ever experience waking up to a text message like that but let me tell you, it’s a feeling I don’t want any of you to experience.

10 mins of being down to my knees praying later, I received another a message.

“Nak, coma si mama be”

and yet another one

“Ga, tinext ka ni mommy mo?
Pa book ka ticket uwi tayo”

Ma. Aurora is our aunt. She is Mama Baby or Mama Be to my cousins and I. She was my room mate ever since I stopped sleeping in my parents’ room when I  was in Grade 2 until I left home for college. She was a single lady all her life, so my cousins and I took the role of being her spoiled kids.

March 29, 2012

I remember pleading for healing.

I remember asking for His will to be done.

I remember myself asking, Has she accepted Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior.

I remember reminiscing about that time where my voice was shaking as I share the gospel at church and there she was in the crowd trying to hold back tears.

I remember the peace of knowing there is eternal life waiting for her, If this is it. If her time’s up.

I remember dragging Jenny and Nado with me to look for an Air Philippines office to print out my itinerary receipt.

I remember going to church with puffy eyes.

I remember being asked why I have puffy eyes.

I remember the things I did to keep my mind off mama baby being in a coma state.

I remember the fear of spending the night alone.

I remember pulling an all nighter video editing at church for youth camp which is scheduled to happen in two days.

I remember sleeping at Ate Jam’s classroom that night with Ate Glazy, Rochelle, Ting-Ting, Jang-Jang and Barkadits Van-Van.

March 30, 2012

I remember having to walk from church to the dorm at 4 am.

I remember grabbing breakfast with Ate at the airport.

I remember Ate Aysel explaining Mama Be’s case to me.

I remember hearing medical terms. Aneurysm & Cardiomegaly. I know those words, I studied them but I never realize their meaning is as simple as this: a lost cause. There was nothing we can do.

I remember not sleeping the whole flight home.

I remember holding lola’s hand on the way to the hospital.

I remember entering the ICU.

I remember the tubes and machines hooked to her.

I remember crying on her side.

I remember the nurse giving me the “why are you crying, she’s not yet dead look”

I remember asking the nurse about Mama Be’s urine output to break the awkwardness. When she said “Yes, that all her fluid output” I just nod because we both knew, this is it. It’s just a matter of time.

I remember then laying down on a hospital bed that night. Thinking “Oh no! I’ve been awake for 36 hrs already”

I remember not sleep that night.

March 31, 2012

I remember being awake.

I remember going inside the ICU to start the day.

I remember Mama Nette’s arrival.

I remember having to wait.

I remember Pastor Lisa praying with us.

I remember hearing them decide for DNR, Do Not Resuscitate.

I remember the whole family gathered on her bedside.

I remember holding her hand.

I remember how quick I let go because the machine sounded off which only meant one thing : Flat line. Finish line. The end.

I remember them turning off the machine.

I remember having to usher lola back to the watcher’s room.

I remember crying.

I remember the pain.

I remember being awake for another 24 hrs at St. Peter’s.

April 1, 2012

I remember going home.

I remember going home but it’s not the same anymore.

March 29, 2016

Four years, I think that’s more than enough time to heal, to move on, to go on with life. And I have. I’m healed, I have moved on and go on with life.

But there are still days where I long for Mama Be’s home cooked meals and nights where I cry myself to sleep because I miss her.

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Ang mga Masasakit na Sugat

Ang buhay ng Kristyano ay masayang tunay. Oo, masaya pero may mga panahon ding nakakalimutan o di kaya nakakaligtaan ang saya. Dahil mga mem, mahirap maglakad sa narrow road. Mahirap maglakad sa narrow road na may mga masasakit na sugat. Mga sugat na di pa gumagaling.

Mga mem, may mga araw na you will wish na sana di mo nalang Sya nakilala. Kasi madali yung ganoon eh. Walang struggle. Walang conviction at rebuke. Hindi nakaka hurt ng ego. Di ka gaano masasaktan. Di masyadong struggle yung disiplina. Wala kang pake kung naging good example ka ba. Wala kang pake kung may na stumble dahil sa’yo dahil malamang wala kang idea kung ano yung “stumble”, stumble saan? Yes, mga mem! May ganitong level. Basement siguro tawag dito, mas mababa pa sa lower ground eh.

These are the moments where you will wish that Jesus is just an idea. Where you will wish to go back to the time where hearing the word “Jesus” will not remind you of your hopelessness, that you will never be good enough for heaven. That there is nothing good in you. Times when the connection between the words Sinner, Cross, Love, Died, Salvation makes no sense to you.

Yes mem, I’ve been there. Kanina lang mga two hours ago. Humagulgol ako sa C.R. di ko alam kung luha ko yung tumutulo sa braso ko o laway at sa kalagitnaan ng pag momoment ko, there I was wishing na sana di ganito kahirap mag lakad sa narrow road. Na sana idea nalang ulit yung Salvation.

Mga mem the struggle is real and I’m thankful for it.

Itong struggle na ‘to, Itong conviction na ‘to, Itong rebuke na ‘to. Itong bruised ego na ‘to. Itong mga sakit na ‘to. Itong struggle sa disiplina na ‘to. Itong realization na di ako naging good example. Itong tanong sa sarili na baka may na stumble dahil sa akin. Itong basement level na ‘to. ‘tong mga ‘to ang naging batok sakin kanina.

It reminded me of my identity in Christ. It proved to this prone to wander heart of mine that I am His.

Mga mem, wala nang mas legit na proof ng salvation kundi ‘tong mga struggle na ‘to. May kasabihan nga na “only dead fish swim with the current ” kaya mem kung kagaya nyo akong nag sstruggle ka pa. Nasasaktan pa sa mga rebuke at nahihirapan pa sa mga disiplina ni Lord at may mga sugat pang iniinda. Tara, sabayan nyo akong umawit ng “Ang buhay ng kristyano ay masayang tunay”

Sabi nga ni pareng Jefferson Bethke

“Wounds hurt, but scars tell a story. You don’t let people touch your wounds because they hurt and you cringe and pull back, but scars, you usually tell your friends the story behind them. What areas in your life are still wounds? You don’t let anyone near? They can’t touch? The beautiful thing about Jesus is He heals. He takes wounds and makes them scars and you don’t have to hide anymore. You can point to your scars and say “Look what Jesus did!“”

Thank you Lord for these wounds that are yet to be scars and for the reminder of what You have done.

Ang Uncertainties

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“Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.”

Sabi ni pareng Voltaire sa intro ng pelikulang Sana Dati.

“When you’re young you feel certain about a lot of things, as you grow older you learn to embrace uncertainties. You only crave certainty when you’re afraid of not knowing things pero yun nga, the more you mature the more you realize the world is so random and uncertainty is the only thing that’s out there and growing up is just letting go of the things you don’t have control over and focusing on the little things you can control.”

Sabi ni pareng Jerrold Tarog sa audio commentary ng pelikulang Sana Dati.

Ang Kabanata 32 sa SI

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Mario Lim, Lalakeng naiwan ng barko
Carmen, Babaeng naiwan din ng barko

Ito’y isang bahagi lamang ng isang kabanata ng librong puno ng feels, SI ni Pareng Bob Ong.

Mario Lim: Gusto? Adobo. Noong bata ako, menudo, pero nagsawa rin ako, at ngayon mas gusto ko na ang kaldereta. Kaldereta at adobo, Ikaw?

Carmen: Ikaw.

Mario Lim: ‘Yon ang sa akin.

Carmen: Ikaw. Gusto kita.

Mario Lim: Anong ibig mong —

Carmen: Hindi ko sinabing kailangan kita. Hindi ko sinabing kailangan tayong magsama. Hindi kailangang magpakasal tayo at bumuo ng pamilya. Huwag kang tanga. Sabi ko lang, gusto kita, wala akong dapat takbuhan. Wala akong gustong paroonan. Hindi nauubos ang gabi at walang katapusan ang umaga. Walang oras o lugar. Wala akong ibang iniisip. Wala akong gustong isipin. Humihinga lang ako. Dito sa tabi mo.

Mario Lim: Hindi ako aalis.

Carmen: Bakit, gusto mo ako?

Mario Lim: Oo.

Carmen: Ang sabi ko, bakit gusto mo ako?

Mario Lim: Hindi ko alam.

Carmen: Ikaw pa lang ang nakasagot nang tama sa tanong na ‘yan.

Mario Lim: Sasamahan kita.

Carmen: Sabi mo hindi ka aalis.

Mario Lim: Carmen…

Carmen: Babalikan kita. Kung mahal mo ‘ko ay hindi ka mawawala.

Mario Lim: Kailan —

Carmen: Anim na Linggo

Mario Lim: Saan ka matatagpuan?

Carmen: Hindi ako mawawala

Mario Lim: Pero —

Carmen: Hindi ako mawawala. Hindi na ulit.

Mario Lim: Maghihintay ako.

Carmen: Magkita tayo. Heto, itago mo ang panyo ko. Hindi ako nawawalan ng panyo. Itago mo, at kukunin ko ulit sa’yo pagbalik ko.

Umandar ang mabagal na oras. Lumakad ang mahahabang araw. Dumating at lumipas ang anim na linggo. Hindi na muling nakita ni Mario Lim sa pier si Carmen. Naging tag-init ang taglamig. Naging tag-ulan ang tag-init. Naging taglamig ang tag-ulan. Tumakbo ang panahon. Walang pakundangang gumalaw ang mga bituin at planeta. Kumupas ang mga sumpaan at alaala. Ilang ulit mang binalikan ang lugar, hindi na muling natagpuan ni Mario Lim ang buhay niya.

Ang Blogpost Na May Babala

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Babala: Medyo madrama ang mga sumusunod na salita.

People close to me would know that I’m not so vocal with what I truly feel. Not in a group setting or conversation that is. I’d rather text or write it instead. Maybe it’s the thought of how fast words become when you speak. Unlike when you write it, you take time to choose and screen the words you use or maybe just because I’m too phlegmatic and nodding and agreeing is what I do best.

With that in thought, I realize hindi naman pala talaga manhid ang mga phleg. Sadyang di lang talaga kami marunong mag comfort. Kagaya nalang, pag umiyak ka sa harap ko. Wala akong gagawin. Di naman sa di ko napapansin o nararamdaman yung mga pinagdadaanan mo teh, Di ko lang talaga alam anong sasabihin at gagawin. Well, may alam akong gawin. Salamat sa psych friends ko (Hi, Jennerz and Nadz!) Wag na wag ka daw gumawa ng physical contact (eg. Rubbing of back) dahil di raw yung nakaka comfort at mapapa “it’s all coming back, so coming back to me now” raw yung umiiyak. Talagang sinusunod ko yun ‘no! Kaya iyakan nyo lang ako. Mag jjoke ako para di masyadong heavy pero pag uwi ko saka pa ako mag ttext ng mga seryosong mga bagay. Oo, ganoon ako phlegmatic na pagiisipan ko pa talaga kung anong sasabihin kaya naman napaisip ako, pag sinagot ko ba yung tanong na

“Bakit huminto ka ng Dentistry?”

Ng

“Hindi ako masaya dun eh!”

Would it be enough? Acceptable ba yung reason ko? My happiness matters naman siguro, ano?

Sabi ko naman sa inyo, medyo madrama ‘to.